A comma not full stop

May 05, 2021 - Written by Ananya Mangwani

When I had all the answers, the question changed - Paulo Coehlo.

For a long time I was envious of people who didn’t care or did not get overwhelmed with emotions and had a certain detachment from things, people and life. Certain events transpired in a really short amount of time that pushed me over to the extent of feeling numb and it was a classic “grass is greener on the other side” scenario.

Bear with me, it’ll make sense or at least I hope so.

One day I woke up and decided to be kind. In an attempt to be kind to myself in the long run. Oh was I so depressingly wrong. I can assure I was the kindest son of a bitch alive for a while there but it got exhausting. I was not just kind in my actions but kind in my thoughts, forgiving in my attitude and just giving as a person. It was fun while it lasted for the people around me but it was a candle, burned fast and bright. What I felt or think I felt is numb. Because of the lack of reciprocation? Maybe. The deceiving temporary feeling that you could make someone smile? At least someone is smiling.

I was wronged and mistreated but I didn’t really realize it. Even though I did it didn’t really make a difference. I never had a problem with standing for myself, I actually am an aggressively protective friend but it was profoundly mysterious to me as to why I felt like these battles that I had to fight for myself seemed pointless. Then it hit me. People often ignore mistreatment and bad behavior because they’ve been through so much worse. Healing through those bigger issues shifts our ideas and expectation of how they should be treated. Which was a “eureka” moment and getting clarity never felt so sad.

The rare need for feeling deserving of someone’s attention, validation or support appeared in my life not very long ago from me writing this. Even after being somewhat fulfilled it’s me and my self destructive thoughts who are still looking for answers. I have learnt it’s not weak but for someone who’s never truly taken help but hands out support like Santa with gifts, call me a big fat hypocrite.

This isn’t all a big cry for help but I’m getting to the good part. Stop calling “emotional avoidance” an optimistic mind. Stop telling yourself you don’t need people. Believe me, I hate saying this but you need people. We all do. I don’t let myself be loved or held,supported and that’s why you might pity me reading this. Yeah I was never taught to ask for help, allowed to be lesser but I am learning. I trust everyday, decide not to quit everyday, do kind gestures everyday and get hurt everyday. Bandaged and bruised (get the joke?) I am still here and I surprise myself everyday.

My innate ability to trust someone has been damaged beyond repair by people who let me down or leave, but you gotta start somewhere. You’ll be knocked down but dust yourself off and trust again. Get your heartbroken again, lose your friends again because all of it is leading to something extraordinarily amazing. At least that is what they all say.

Even with everything going wrong, you gotta have faith. Shout out to those who stick with me. I might not know but they try and that’s all that matters. Your acts of kindness saves lives. You know who you are so thank you.

And for my next unnecessary oversharing we shall cover how I cry my broken hearted self to sleep but exaggerating my position in other people’s lives. You don’t wanna miss it.

To all the people with good hearts, one day you’ll get what you deserve.

About the author

I am Ananya Mangwani and I was born on August 20. I am all about my dogs, my camera and my music. I love creating, travelling and experimenting. I believe life is too short to be serious all the time, so if you cannot laugh at yourself... call me. I'll do it for you.