He loves me, he loves me not

Jan 24, 2022 - Written by Ananya Mangwani

Anytime someone tells me a story about their life, I have an intrusive thought of comparing their struggle to mine. Be it a sweet childhood story or an encounter with a bad boss, why does my mind empathize by comparison? My theories are maybe I am just really self-centered, or my way of processing and comprehending personal experiences is by way of relating them to my own life.

The decision to shut up and not make it about myself is the smart one. Until someone blatantly asks for your advice or benefits from hearing your anecdote, I can speak to anyone who has ever tried to open up in the history of the world that you should just keep it to yourself. I’ve been on both sides and 90% of the time that humans want to be heard. Not to get too deep but all of us just want to be understood. But listening is a good easy start. Go easy on yourself.

To anyone reading this who has approached me with a piece of their heart and I resisted the urge to share a personal story, I am not making it about myself but it’s just the way I understand your emotions. To all you extroverts trying to be empaths aka all of our works in progress, please bear with us we’re trying to separate our idea of self and simply listen.

But we got off-topic. Speaking of comparing stories to our own experiences, I’m here to share something that might change the way you live your life. Moving past the theatrics, if you can relate to my realization, welcome to the sad life of despair in the zone of ultimate self-awareness.

The media we consume, the interactions we have, and TikTok we scroll through are highly impressionable. Not just a small laugh or a distraction. They are all creating this society’s image of what our lives should be like. This goes beyond saying social media is fake. Not just fake but a 1 single example of what human experiences can be like.

I’ll attempt to articulate with an example so this makes more sense. You see the couples sharing their cute expressions of love for one another. Their elaborate engagement surprises and celebrations. Different couples have different celebrations and it doesn’t matter if you are single or not, it’s a human tendency to compare ourselves or our relationships to this “standard” of love or rather a bar of the ideal ways to express love.

You witness the happiness other people are enjoying with elaborate gestures in friendships, these loving exchanges among families, and successful incomes and achievements on Linkedin.

Not only can it be orchestrated and fake but it’s not the standard. It’s not the blueprint. It’s not the norm. Love is not all red roses and fancy dinners. Love is not all couples dancing together on viral trendy songs or wearing matching hoodies and taking really good photos. That’s their definition and language but it’s extremely specific and not a necessity.

If you’re someone who thinks they deserve a standard of love, I can bet that you did not come up with this list but rather saw a pretty lady get roses and decided you deserve roses.

So if I have never received roses, have I never been in love?

Don’t hate me but I’m here to tell you that you don’t deserve roses. You deserve to be made to feel like the most beautiful thing to walk on earth. How will he make sure you feel like this? That’s on them. It could be roses, it could be a phone call, or even something they do in your absence but somehow you feel it.

I met someone who doesn’t fit the blueprint at all. Nothing, not one thing this man does according to society’s expectations of what love should be expressed. Yet his partner is head over heels for him. He doesn’t post online, he doesn’t get roses, doesn’t text long paragraphs or indulge in PDA, yet she’s convinced that she’s all he loves. It baffles me that she has faith in it. Does she not have self-respect? She deserves grand gestures or expensive gifts but it’s not the kind of thing the person she fell in love with would ever do. All I know is she sleeps in the night knowing she’s loved and that too without any roses. What a shame right?

Drawing the line between what you think you deserve truly and what you expect based on assumptions from movies or TikTok or Instagram and other relationships can be tough. It might even cost you a really good shot at eternal happiness. Not all girls dress up pretty for date night and not all boys bring flowers every single time. It’s a thin line but I insist you try to ask yourself how you feel, not what the actual act is. If you are in love you can be at your happiest with the tiniest of things if you understand your partner and their expression of love. Also if you want roses, just ask.

NO need to fit the blueprint. You are unique and your love is unique. So make your blueprint and please don’t settle for anything less because you deserve the world. (Not the material world, but the fluttering feeling of being the most loved and treasured person on this planet).

If you don’t feel like that I hope you can find your lobster, because if you know you know.

About the author

I am Ananya Mangwani and I was born on August 20. I am all about my dogs, my camera and my music. I love creating, travelling and experimenting. I believe life is too short to be serious all the time, so if you cannot laugh at yourself... call me. I'll do it for you.